I came across an online documentary (included below) produced by BBC called “Dangerous Knowledge” and I couldn’t help feeling a deep connection to the first person presented in the documentary - Georg Cantor. Interestingly enough, the documentary began with a quote from one of my favorite poems by William Blake - Auguries of Innocence, which set the stage for what was to come. I of course didn’t relate to Cantor by his mathematical genius, but rather the isolation that he felt by living outside the realm of “the taken for granted” world. In the documentary, Dr Louis Sass describes Cantor’s situation in these words, “I think if you are a person that takes that step (outside the realm of “the taken for granted”) in a way you are already doomed to living outside in some way… so it’s not as if it’s only the intellectual project itself that takes you out there, there’s something about you as a person that this unnaturalness comes so naturally.”

The unnaturalness that is described is something that I often feel and that I’ve talked about briefly in some of my previous entries. It’s a deep connection to something that appears to be foreign to the rest of the world and in which the inevitable isolation forms from the grips it has on your relationship to everything. This deep connection communicates something that makes everything in the “taken for granted” world feel so artificial, plastic, fake and undesirable. It creates a longing in the core of your heart that forces you constantly seek deeper understanding for your existence, as the everyday world drifts far away from you. It’s a personal communication between you and something greater than everything, that only you and this greater phenomenon can share. I guess some might call this communication ‘religious experience’.

Later in the documentary, it was concluded that Cantor suffered from manic depression based on his psychiatrists notes that described his shifting moods and mental states, and which also landed him in a mental institution on multiple occasions. Most of the world I’m sure would believe that what Cantor saw was a delusion and product of his mental illness and emotionally maybe this would be correct. The people of his day saw him this way and refused to acknowledge his work. It wasn’t until after his death that his work was properly accepted and understood as pure genius.

This raises a major question for me in regards to the spectrum of mental illness. The current reality of the human species is that we are social organisms that delight in our ability to relate to each other and share common experiences. We want life to be predictable, controlled and understood. This is what forms the social and cultural fabric of our societies and institutions. Then there are those of us who don’t fit so neatly into this desired reality and depending on how extreme our disconnection is, the majority decides what to do with us. They begin by calling us eccentric, crazy or weird and as our disconnection grows, they suggest that we seek medical advice and get put on medication to prevent our minds from continuing to move away from the ‘norm’. What really is the problem though? Is it mental illness or how society interprets and deals with what it calls mental illness? Perhaps in some cases mental illness is simply caused by a mind that has evolved past its current generation’s way of thinking and has to live in a world that opposes its understanding of reality and the opposition it faces everyday causes it to breakdown and become mentally ill. I don’t have answers or solutions for bridging the gap between the majority and the mentally ill, but I do acknowledge that I do share a need with the majority as a social organism and this need is to relate in some way to others. It is refreshing to find someone who I can truly relate to even though he may be considered ‘crazy’ or mentally ill. Perhaps this relationship that I feel with Cantor is simply a way for me to not feel completely alone in certain aspects of my life. It’s a way for me to validate certain experiences. Cantor came to describe the infinite as an abyss between what he had seen and what he knew must be there, but could never reach; I describe my relationship with the infinite as an abyss between what I have seen and what I know must be there, but that I cannot seem to share with anyone.

Dangerous Knowledge: Part 1

Dangerous Knowledge: Part 2

A couple of weeks a ago I received an email from a visitor that basically said that they would never say “I am bipolar” because they are more than just a label and their identity is not bipolar disorder. I’ve also read about this opinion in a couple of other places on the web including in “The Ten Greatest Lies about Bipolar Disorder” by David Oliver at bipolarcentral.com. Below is the excerpt from the #2 lie - You can’t control bipolar disorder.

“One of the ways you can control the disorder is to use the term “have bipolar disorder” instead of “am bipolar.” When you say, “I am bipolar,” you give power to the disorder since you identify yourself it. When you say, “I have bipolar disorder,” however, you simply acknowledge that you have a medical/psychiatric condition. You realize that the bipolar disorder is NOT your identity. “

After receiving this email and reading this opinion elsewhere on the web, I asked myself a few questions. When a person says “I am bipolar” are they really saying that their identity is bipolar? Is a person giving more control to bipolar disorder by saying “I am bipolar” instead of “I have bipolar”? Does a person really identify less with bipolar disorder by using the words “I have” instead of “I am”?

My conclusion was that it really doesn’t make a difference whether you say “I am” or “I have”, either way the symptoms are still experienced the same regardless of how we reference them linguistically. I came to this conclusion by swapping the word “bipolar” with “hungry”. Out of social linguistic norms we often say things that are not completely grammatically correct, but we know what people are saying when they bend the rules of language. For example, when I say “I am hungry” I do not mean that my identity is only “hunger”. I am simply saying that “I” or the sensation of my body is experiencing the sensation of hunger. Whether I say “I am hungry” or “I have symptoms of hunger” the fact remains the same - the biological experience of hunger is still present. Using the words “I am” is simply linguistic convenience and a way of communicating with reference to your self. This linguistic process has nothing to do with transferring personal identity, but rather a way of stating that your experience of self includes the biological symptoms brought on by bipolar disorder, which is factually correct. In fact, an argument could easily be made to say that “I have bipolar” is just as grammatically inaccurate because we don’t ever possess or hold ownership over bipolar disorder. From what science currently understands, it is programmed into our biology and our biology is who we are.

So, is there really a benefit to saying “I have” instead of “I am”? Well, the only thing that I can think of is the possible gratification that stems from believing that there is a difference. If a person is convinced and believes that there is a difference then in their minds they will experience that difference whether it is real or not, but if your are like myself and you don’t see a difference, then saying “I am bipolar” is simply another way of saying “I have bipolar disorder” or my biological organism experiences sensations brought on by a biological disorder that the scientific community calls bipolar disorder.

Stress is by far our worst enemy. The progressive cascading effect it has on mood and mental functioning is devastating - especially when living with bipolar disorder. It reminds me of that line by Yoda in Return of the Jedi where he says, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering…”, until eventually we are overcome by the darkside. Similarly, when a bipolar mind is overcome by stress, the downward spiral that ensues can also bring us to the darkside - the dark side of bipolar disorder.

It’s so scary to trace your mind backwards from a mental breakdown and to see how it so easily got the best of you. How your now-slumped-over, hopeless aching body and tear-filled eyes stemmed from a simple negative thought that got out of control. You’re left with a chicken and egg question about what came first, the thought or the feeling. How did I end up here? Why did I act that way? Why did I say those things? Why did I have those thoughts? Was that really me? You see how easy it is to lose yourself in a runaway mood. How easy it is for your mind to get stuck in an infinite loop of negativity, agitation, frustration, anger and hopelessness. A downward spiral into hell.

I don’t like what I become when stress overwhelms me.

I recently came across a two part video on YouTube called “Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment?” and I was very curious about what the video was all about. Currently and in the past, I have been borderline obsessed with content surrounding the topic of ‘enlightenment’ and I have read many books on eastern philosophy, consciousness, perception and religion so this topic was naturally of great interest to me. I could personally relate to a lot of what was being said. In fact, I believe my condition with bipolar disorder and the effects it had on my experience of my life has been the main driving force behind my obsession with understanding my existence through philosophy, psychology and religion. The pits of my depressions and the highs of my hypomanic mood have brought me to places where my brain has functioned very differently than what is apparently the norm. I’ve always felt different, thought different and behaved different than the people in my social surroundings. At times I’ve felt a deeper understanding and communication with the universe, where I’ve felt that I could perceive things as they truly are and see past the delusions brought on by the senses. I believed my extreme shifts in mood opened new windows into worlds that would normally be hidden to my mind.

I knew that there were definite similarities in the experience of mania and the description of the concept of enlightenment (in a general sense), but I never completely linked the two as being one and the same. Nor have I since watching the videos. However, I do think that author of the videos has highlighted some interesting aspects of some of the common experiences of bipolar disorder that may require further investigation - a sense of oneness with everything, a deeper understanding of life, indescribable sensory experience, extreme sensitivity, timelessness, tremendous love & appreciation for beauty, a release of repression (shame), sacredness, the feeling that the universe is testing you, confrontations with death, experiencing your origins, a change in values/behavior, and more concern for social issues.

I don’t fully agree with many of his conclusions, but I do acknowledge and commend his attempt to better understand his personal experiences of bipolar disorder by taking the time analyze and decipher what the disorder was allowing his mind to perceive and attempt to link it to a deeper understanding of himself within the universe. The main area that I disagree with in his conclusion of bipolar mania being enlightenment, is the sense of peace and control that is supposedly experienced during enlightenment. From my understanding, enlightenment, once achieved is not as reckless as a bipolar manic episode. There is a cessation of desires brought on by a deeper understanding of reality. You are calm and at peace in your mind and in the world. You become content by understanding your true identity and connection to the universe. Your thoughts are perceived correctly and lose the drastic influence they once had on your sense of identity and behavior. For me a manic episode, as interesting as it is from analytical perspective, is not enlightenment. There can definitely be deep insights derived from a manic episode, but the sense of control over one’s mind and behavior just isn’t there.

I don’t want to discredit anything that the author of the videos has suggested because I do think he has made some important observations about bipolar mania that require further investigation. I believe many of these experiences are quite valid and can be learned from if the time is taken to analyze their content. I’ve noticed through my own personal accounts that there is a terrible tendency to devalue the experiences brought on by bipolar disorder because they are labeled a product of mental illness. We are told that these experiences mean nothing and that we are not normal for having them. They don’t fit neatly into the social context of our societies and the majority of people fear the content they reveal to the people experiencing them. The world easily forgets all the great music, art, science and philosophy that people suffering from mental illness have brought to us throughout the ages. I believe all experience can tell us something important about ourselves and the world around us, regardless of the apparent or implied distortions. I remember one of my favorite history teachers in high school telling the class that ‘truth’ is simply what the majority agrees upon and perhaps this is holds more truth now than ever.

Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment? (1 of 2)

Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment? (2 of 2)

Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) was one of many artists of the past afflicted with a form of mental illness. Although his diagnosis is still debated today, many believe that he suffered from bipolar disorder. His hypothesized diagnosis is based on his history of suffering multiple distinct episodes of depression followed by periods of high energy and enthusiasm, psychotic breakdowns and delusional episodes. Although he did frequently drink to excess, smoked to excess, had a poor diet and also indulged in consuming Absinthe, the latter addictions could possibly have been a form of self medication that is commonly seen in people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and may not have been the cause of his mental illness like some have come to believe.

Regardless of what the actual diagnosis is, Vincent van Gogh has shared a world through his paintings that truly resonates with something deep in the mind. Perhaps this is the outcome of articulating mental illness into art and if so, maybe there is something to be learned from mental illness that can help us collectively expand our sometimes narrow points of view. I know for myself that there have been moments during depressed and hypomanic episodes where the world has communicated with me in a similar way that his paintings do. A communication filled with ambiance, atmosphere, mood and intense feeling.

Whether it’s following consistent sleeping patterns, following daily routines, exercising regularly or eating a well-balanced diet, never underestimate the effects that these simple and controllable aspects of your life can have on your mental health. I know for myself that up until about 4 months ago, I didn’t really care about or focus much attention to the effects that any of these aspects had on my life. Mental phenomenon always felt so detached and impenetrable from the physical conditions of my body. Regardless of what I ate or what happened to my body, my conscious awareness always felt relatively the same. The short term effects brought on by a bad diet, bad sleeping patterns, lack of routine and lack of exercise were so subtle that they went unnoticed. Eventually the effects brought on by these bad habits became part of just the way I felt and I didn’t see the connection between the way I felt and my lifestyle choices. This became especially evident once I started researching alternative treatments and management strategies for bipolar disorder and discovered that all of these aspects play an important role in managing bipolar disorder.

In September, I decided to quit the most obvious bad habits that were part of my life. This included smoking, drinking and very irregular sleeping patterns. The effects in these extreme cases were felt quickly and within a few weeks I noticed a difference in the way I felt physically. I could breathe easier and my body didn’t feel so drained, but mentally I was still all over the place. My depression that started in mid-August continued even though three bad habits were eliminated.

In one of the books that I was reading at the time on bipolar disorder, the author suggested that adding a routine to your daily life can be very helpful in achieving the feeling of accomplishment and control in your life, so I started thinking about what I could do to add a routine to my life. One major part was taken care of with my sleeping routine. I began forcing myself to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time, ensuring that I got at least 7 hours of sleep every night. My work schedule was already set and gave me routine from Monday to Friday, but I needed something that gave me the feeling of a more personal accomplishment. This is where I decided to build the “I Am Bipolar” website, forum and blog. It gave me something to routinely manage, research and write about. Creating the website really helped give me a sense of control over bipolar disorder and helped me to actively pursue feeling better, while potentially helping others feel better. Mentally I was still very depressed, but I felt like I was headed in the right direction. I wasn’t hopelessly depressed anymore, I was actively searching for hope.

Next thing on the list was nutrition and diet. I wasn’t eating very well and I was drinking about 6-8 coffees a day. I read many articles on an experimental treatment from Alberta called EMPower Plus, which was a high dosage multivitamin/amino acid formula for bipolar disorder, and I decided to pursue something similar. My mother knew a pharmacist/chemist at a local lab in my town who does blood/urine body chemistry testing and we made an appointment to get tested. It turned out that I was deficient in many areas, and the pharmacist/chemist ordered a custom multivitamin/amino acid formula along with ProEPA omega-3 supplements. I started taking these about 6 weeks ago alongside my prescribed medication, and I am beginning to feel significantly better. My mind feels much clearer and the symptoms of my depression are only slightly felt now.

My current outlook on things is opening up and I am starting to research the effects of my diet on my mood. I have cut back on my coffee intake to one coffee a day and bought a cookbook on healthy eating (lots of fresh fruits and vegetables). I’m also investigating a possible gluten intolerance that I may be suffering from and I am awaiting results from a test for this that I had done a few days ago. Depending on the results, I might be switching to a gluten-free diet. Anything that can help, I am willing to try.

I rented the BBC documentary “The Blue Planet” on the oceans of our planet and watched the first two DVDs, and I was truly amazed at how sensitive and vulnerable the ocean ecosystem really is and it really got me to thinking: if a change in one element of a substance that covers 98 percent of our planet can dramatically effect all species who rely on that substance as the foundation for their survival, then what can a change in a substance that feeds our brain bring about in our mental functioning? If evolution has designed our species as a microcosm of the larger macrocosm, then we are just as susceptible to subtle changes in diet, sleep, routine and exercise as the ocean is to the effects of the moon’s gravitational pull, global currents, sunlight and plant life. If I have learned one thing, it’s how complex and interconnected everything is. One element cannot be changed without affecting every other element, and when dealing with the central nervous system this becomes especially true.

One of the books that I asked for and received as a gift for Christmas is called “Too Good To Be True? Nutrients Quiet the Unquiet Brain” by David Moyer, LCSW, B.C.D. with an introduction by Robert Bransfield, M.D. I’m about halfway through the book and I can’t put it down.

In the first part of the book David Moyer, a mental health professional, tells the story of his father’s battle with bipolar disorder and the unfortunate outcomes/situations that people with the disorder, more often than not, end up in. He talks about his family’s struggles to help his father manage his illness, which usually ended up in a circular regressive pattern of repeating the same mistakes.

The first part of the story ranges from his father’s grandiose plans of his manic episodes to the legal/mental health system that failed in helping his father achieve stability. You can’t help but feel sorry for the injustices that his father faced while trying to survive in a world where mental illness is so misunderstood.

After David Moyer tried endlessly to help his father find stability, his young son Chris started showing symptoms of bipolar disorder as well. The story then continues with the intimate experiences of his son’s battle with mental illness and the struggles he went through while trying to live with bipolar disorder.

Once again, David Moyer faced a mental health system that didn’t help his son find the stability that he felt his son deserved and this led him to investigate alternative ways of treating his son’s debilitating illness, which then led him to a new understanding of how nutrients may affect and treat a number of biological brain disorders - nutrients that quiet the unquiet brain.

I’m now at the part of the book where he is presenting research studies that show how different vitamins/minerals/omega-3s have an effect on people with brain disorders like bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. The results are absolutely amazing and give a very strong argument for the role that nature’s building blocks play in the treatment of mental illness.

It’s funny how our current paradigm of thinking has us convinced that only pharmaceuticals can be the magical treatment for illnesses. Just take pills to deal with the end result and don’t worry about how we got there. This paradigm forgets and forces us to forget the role that preventative measures can play in the development, management and treatment of illnesses. I’m not suggesting that medication is not required, but rather that less medication may be required if more focus was placed on the full pyramid of treatment from the bottom up, rather than from the top down. I understand that in some cases immediate medication is required to deal with a crisis situation, but once that is dealt with, why not start treatment with the basic building blocks of our organism - our biology.

Everyone knows the terms “garbage in, garbage out” and “you are what you eat”, and maybe this is more true than we thought for people with genetic predispositions. Maybe people suffering from specific illnesses have a genetic predisposition that make them more vulnerable to the effects of nutrition. Maybe their genetic predispositions cause their bodies to require higher doses of specific vitamins, minerals and fats. Many studies are suggesting that this might be true, so maybe it’s time that we start investigating and asking more questions about the possible complementary treatments for our illnesses. Maybe we should start becoming more aware of what we put into our bodies and how this might affect the way we feel. The great divide between mental phenomenon and basic physical biology is shrinking. The two separate entities are beginning to look more like the two sides of the same coin.

My depression appears to have lifted and I’ve been feeling pretty stable for the past week or so. It has been great. I’m not sure if it’s just part of a cycle that I’m going through right now or whether a mild increase in my medication has helped bring about the change. It has also been the one month mark for an experimental custom multi-vitamin/amino acid/Pro EPA omega-3 treatment as well. Who knows, maybe it’s the combination of all three.

The timing has been perfect though because it has really allowed me to enjoy Christmas this year. I’ve felt so much more engaged in the conversations I had with family members and I’ve noticed that my feeling of connectedness to my environment has increased tremendously. That strange spacey empty feeling, that over the past few months had made me feel so detached from everything, has gone away. My sense of humor has returned and I truly feel my laughter and enjoyment when it occurs.

I don’t want to get too optimistic too early though, because I still don’t have very much ambition or motivation for socializing or going outside the house. I’ve been avoiding contact with friends during the holidays because I still dread the thought of being around social events outside of my immediate family.

I’m hoping this is the beginning of a change that brings about some sustained consistency in my mood and helps me return to a higher-functioning me. I’m going to continue paying close attention to my mood and hopefully this feeling will continue to grow, but hopefully not too much!

I was driving home late last night on the dark winter highway. The car’s headlights were cast out like fishing nets, capturing a large v-shaped portion of the road as it quickly passed under the front of the car. Random scattered thoughts sifting through my fatigued mind. Warm air trickling from the tilted vent on the left hand side of the steering wheel. Ice crystals forming in the bottom corner of the window where the condensation always forms. A heavy nostalgic feeling aching in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of time giving and pulling these moments away and emptying them of lasting substance. Everything feels so real and at the same time so unreal.

Over the past few months I’ve been looking up famous people touched with bipolar disorder and I’ve been amazed by the number of well known people that have been or who are afflicted by this disorder. Interestingly enough, it turns out that one of my favorite writers/poets/painters that I was deeply interested in while growing up and of course still am, is believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder. His name is William Blake.

From article by Peter J. Buckley, M.D
(The American Journal of Psychiatry)
“Alongside his ecstatic visions, Blake was prone to fits of severe depression. In 1800, he recounted a descent into “a Deep pit of Melancholy, Melancholy without any real reason for it.” These episodes were often followed by periods of “illumination” and intense creativity. This is highly suggestive of bipolar illness, albeit a mild form that did not disrupt his enormous creative achievement and may have been central to his transcendent artistic vision.”

I was amazed when I found his name on a list of famous people believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder. I never once thought about him in this way. However, it shines a whole new light on his works and the documented extraordinary experiences that ranged from angelic visions to his deep preoccupying insights that touched both extremes of human imagination. Perhaps there is even a subconscious hint of his bipolarity behind the title of his poem “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” or perhaps even within a few lines of his poem “Auguries of Innocence” below.

Small Excerpt from Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not thro’ the eye,
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

One thing is for certain, William Blake was definitely in touch with something quite profound and amazing. The capacity of his abstract mind was immense. Perhaps encountering great shifts within his own realm of experience gave him the ability to see a world unknown to us and also gave him a hard driven impulse to try to communicate this world through his writings, poetry and art. If in fact he did suffer from bipolar disorder, I think it defends the stance that perhaps there is something extremely important for us to learn from the realms of mind that the mentally ill appear to know so well. Who knows, maybe it would open us up to a whole new way of understanding ourselves and the worlds we privately share.

Small Excerpt from Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.