Obsessive Mind
There are many different characteristics of the different phases that my mind travels through when its experiencing the ups or downs of my mood. One that stands out clearly and that I’ve associated with mild depression/mixed states is obsessive personality. These periods last anywhere from a week to a few months and during these periods I witness my most creative work. I usually remember these periods with a mixed opinion because although creative work definitely happens, an uglier side of my personality always appears.
During these obsessive periods I become socially withdrawn and fixated on intellectual activities (e.g. philosophy, religion, art, creative thinking, reading, writing, work etc.). These periods have sort of a positive/negative feel to them because although I’m making great strides intellectually, my social skills become extremely impaired. I become withdrawn, irritable and abrasive when disturbed, frustrated when working in groups, angry when told what to do, and explosive if I’m confronted by someone. I don’t enjoy talking or being around people. I simply want to be left alone with my thoughts and not interrupted or distracted by anyone.
All of my greatest designs, writings and philosophical inquiries have happened during these periods. I believe it has something to do with the focused intensity of attention on the contents of my mind. I’m not in a dark murky depression and I’m not in a highly distracted hypomanic mood. I am in this sort of withdrawn/detached place that is very clear and focused. It becomes easy to string together unrelated ideas that are randomly appearing everywhere in my mind. The outside world kind of separates from me and becomes irrelevant to what’s going on inside. Everything out there feels foreign and far away. I think this is the reason that I’m so bothered by external interruptions. They feel like unwanted guests knocking on my front door. I wish sometimes that I could simply disappear to somewhere remote during these periods and not have to work or interact with people, but this isn’t a reality for me. I guess a better solution would be to learn how to cope better with these inevitable interruptions.
Tags: bipolar, bipolar disorder, manic depression
