Distorted Perception?
Is it that life truly is this empty, forcing us to build elaborate mental constructs of enjoyment to fulfill our innate hedonistic brains, or has depression distorted my ability to see things as they truly are?
Since September, my mood has dropped and with it my whole way of thinking and experiencing life. I fluctuate now between moderately depressed, mildly depressed and occasionally a baseline mood that is sprinkled here and there with mild elevation. For the most part though, I’m feeling low, withdrawn, empty and detached. I feel like I’m going through the movements of life, just for the sake of going through the movements. There is no real drive, ambition or great appreciation for anything. I do things because I feel a social/family pressure that pushes me to do things that way and not because I truly want to.
This really affects my perception of my life because the emotional cause for everything is missing. I perceive things in an existential form detached from the meaning and emotional context that created the situations. It’s not that I don’t want to experience the emotional cause for behaviors and actions, it’s that it seems impossible to do so. I always feel like I’m faking it.
Occasionally it feels like I’m the only person in the world who has awoken from the dream and realizes that everyone else is still dreaming. I can’t connect to them because I can’t see or feel what they see or feel. Everyone around me seems so emotionally involved with each other and the meaning/value of their relationships. There reactions and involvement appear to be so authentic and real. They seem directly connected and fulfilled by their common experiences, whereas I’m left feeling empty, detached and unfulfilled by the same experiences or maybe I’m just depressed and having trouble feeling life as it truly is.
Tags: bipolar, bipolar disorder, manic depression
December 10th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Yes you’re right..it is
But you’re also right to say it’s a perceptual thing..
They say that depressed people have the greatest grasp of reality as it truely is.
Myself, I fluctuate from finding meaning in the slightest thing to not finding it in anything.
I’m grateful in that I usually maintain a very active sense of humour, where the absurbities of life make me laugh and then it doesn’t matter whether they mean anything or not!
If you get to the point where you can’t laugh anymore (and I know how it is, I’ve been there too) then that’s the time to head for the meds….after all it’s just chemicals in your head..
Take care
P.S. I think your website is wonderful and a huge contribution to our “community”…it’s helped me a lot and there’s nothing meaningless about that!
December 10th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Thanks for sharing your comments.
I can really relate to what you say about fluctuating between finding meaning in the slightest thing to not finding it in anything. Depending on where my mood is at, one usually becomes more in focus than the other.
Thanks for the compliments about the website. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful.
December 11th, 2007 at 3:52 am
I always wonder though…is the emotionless rounding the bases movement of life the way it is really supposed to be and everyone around me is just living in a dream-like state? Why are the up moments so fleeting and fantastical to me. Maybe that is the real fairytale - I think that everyone else is leading a “normal” life because their actions and involvements seem so real. But, truthfully, I know the ugly reality and they are all kidding themselves.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
“Ugly” is just a perception like everything.
Reality just “IS” and “meaning” is just something we humans make of it.
The problem you and I have is that we’ve got to the stage where we can view the big picture from the outside. Humans have evolved to survive by thinking and now we’ve actually got to the point where we can actually watch our own thoughts and have opinions about them..which is quite exciting when you think about it.
There is no real “average” or “normal” person. Everyone exhibits swings in mood to one extent or the other and everyone has a different “base” state which affects their general attitude and personality. It’s not something you choose you just are that way. It’s a question of balance. We tend to get the extremes of this and when it makes life difficult is when it becomes a “disorder”.
To me, a state of acceptance and contentment is the way to go, and look to nature to show me how to achieve that. That doesn’t mean I think it’s easy!
If you’re feeling really disconnected from everything and everyone I would suggest seeking help. You’re looking for balance..think of it like diabetes, not too high, not too low..just keeping those chemicals at human levels.
December 13th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
The world is but a mirror, and will reflect back to you what is within.
May I STRONGLY, STRONGLY suggest meditation, it can be any form that you want (IE: You don’t have to sit with your legs crossed and hum) The insights you will gain from being still with yourself will help you immensely.