At times I feel like I am living between many worlds. Some constructed of the everyday world and some constructed of mind’s intuition, imagination and inquiry. The reality ‘out there’ appears to be so dependent on our perception that it changes depending on how we look at it. I find myself at times seeing the same world in a multitude of masks each revealing a different possible truth of what in fact it is. Perspective seems to be king and all understanding is a product of a specific perspective. Our meaning, purpose, morality, appreciation, sanity, disdain, fears, ambitions, passions, friendships, etc. are not constants that exist in their own right, but conditions or possibilities of our mind’s relationship to the world because they can and do change depending on that relationship. It’s a feedback system of controlled prediction where we see what we want to see because we want to see it. I’m not trying to suggest that some things are more or less real because they appear to be products of our mind’s powerful projection system, but rather that this system seems to be inescapable for the human being and the objective true answer to what is real and what is not is less important than the influence of what is subjectively real to the individual and the influence this subjective truth has on the individual. The mind lives in a world of derived meaning and these perspective paradigms are what build our understanding of reality and shape our behavior accordingly. These perspective paradigms form our sense of identity and ultimately answer or fail to answer the question of ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Why am I?’

The closest we’ve come to objective truth is through science, which tells us what things are composed of and how they function and physics, which tells us how things interact, move and relate physically. Both can tell us a sort of truth as long as they can understand the workings of the system that they are predicting. What they can’t tell us is the ultimate ‘why’ question that seems to be so fundamental and necessary to our understanding of ourselves and reality. Philosophy, religion and psychology try to bridge the gaps between the proposed empirical objective truth and the humans ability to understand empirical objective truth in a meaningful way, but all these systems have contradictions, paradoxes and their own gaps that need answers. It seems like truth is such a personal thing that it can’t be shared through a system of thought, measured by a prediction system or fully understood through a story that is passed down through generations, but must be lived directly and understood personally. I’m sure all of us are certain that our existence is true and that we do exist by our personal experience of existing. You don’t have to convince yourself that you are aware, you just are. That truth feels certain, but everything else that extends from that basic truth is less certain and more a matter of perspective.

Like an ever changing mirage, our many worlds are composed of varying real microcosms that exist within the larger context of varying real macrocosms that each have their own set of rules, measurements and truths. To help illustrate my point, think of the many answers that exist for what constitutes a human being? There are many answers to this question and all of them are true within their own perspective. To a biologist, human beings are living organisms. To a chemist, human beings are groupings of molecules formed from atoms. To a physicist, a human being is a composition of protons, neutrons and electrons that make up an atom. To a particle physicist, the answer needs to be even more fundamental and indivisible. To a psychologist or psychiatrist, a human being is focused around the workings of the mind and brain. To society, a human being is a friend, a foe or a stranger. To family, a human being is a husband, a wife, a son, daughter, a brother or sister. To capitalism, a human being is a consumer. To government, a human being is a number or vote. To the universe if that is possible, the human being is probably a combination of all the above, including gravity, electromagnetic force, oxygen, water, carbon, atoms etc. What is our true identity and where does one identity end and the other begin? The answer I’m afraid is a matter of perspective.

The evolution of the universe changed the rules surrounding what the ‘real’ world is by giving matter the opportunity to become aware of itself and in doing so allowed the very source and substance of consciousness to project its own interpretation and influence on what ‘real’ really means. The many worlds I live between are all real in their own way and at the same time not real at all. I am certain that my perception of these many worlds have a measurable physical effect, which affirms their subjective influence on me regardless of their empirical objective ultimate truth. The worlds I see influence my behavior, choices and decisions, which ripple out of my organism in a butterfly effect and touch the world that surrounds me. I am not certain that the worlds I see ultimately exist, but I am certain of my mind’s intuition, imagination and inquiry that bend my everyday understanding of the world in ways that allow these many worlds to exist for me, in my mind. The key I guess is finding a perspective that is flexible enough to understand that in the end everything is simply a matter of perspective anyway.

I found a newspaper article online called “Finding the Cure for Genius” and I was fascinated by the main premise of the article, which in the words of neuroscientist Colin Blakemore goes something like this, “As medicine hones in on the genetic causes — and potential cures — for mental illness, do we risk destroying the very force behind some of humanity’s greatest thinkers”. The question is serious and runs deep into the veins of our social institutions, educational systems, belief paradigms, historical perspectives and everything touched by the evolution of the human being. It asks the blatant question, “What is normal?” and do we really want to live in a world where everyone is “normal”. What is the measurement paradigm to decipher what we think is normal? Is it simply a measurement based on the majority or measurement based on the average human experience of life? Where do the exceptions fit in? Are the exceptions welcome or do we consider them a disease that need to be brought back to the norm through medication? Can these people be helped with lifestyle changes instead of medication that changes their brain chemistry? Is part of the problem for the mentally ill, the inability to feel welcome or to be part of a system that turns them into outcasts that need to be cured? Is there a way to change the rules for education, career development and social norms that focuses more attention on the individuals strengths and weakness and pays less attention to a ‘one size fits all’ paradigm? How many potential Einsteins, Newtons, Blakes or Beethovens have we prevented from becoming great because we feared the ‘craziness’ of their personality or thoughts?

I don’t necessarily have answers to any of the above questions, but I do know that the questions need to be answered. I also understand that there are circumstances that do require the use of medication to prevent horrible outcomes that threaten the safety of the individual and/or society. However, if we look at our current health paradigm and our approach to treating disorders, we can easily see how broken the current system is. We rarely treat disorders from the bottom up. Our approach is usually from the top down where medication is the first and more often than not, only solution. I guess it’s the easiest solution so it is continually used. Feeling bad or acting strange? Take a pill and you’ll feel better. We easily forget how complex and integrated the proper functioning of our organism is. Why don’t we first start off with the basic building blocks of our pyramid of health - diet, exercise, and sleep and progressively move up the pyramid as needed, leaving medication as a last resort? If medication is needed immediately, then set up a program where medication will be given in conjunction with the basic building blocks of our organism, with the hope of reducing or eliminating the need for medication. Build a new model for psychotherapy where diet, exercise and talk therapy are all part of the same program, helping individuals integrate all three into their lives. The greatest cure for disease is prevention.

As for our social institutions, educational systems, belief paradigms and historical perspectives, I think it’s time we begin asking what we want these systems to produce. Perhaps mental illness fits into these systems as a different way of thinking that is not currently supported socially or emotionally by what we’ve been taught and continue to propagate. Perhaps evolution has given us mental illness so that we can look at the same problems in completely new ways. Perhaps mental illness is natures way of warning us that we are headed in the wrong direction and need to change our path. Perhaps the change that is required is a matter of embracing and harnessing the extreme thoughts and emotions of mental illness and transforming them into something beautiful. Whatever it may be, we need to develop a better understanding of mental illness because our apparent progress appears to be producing more of it. Mental illness is being diagnosed at an alarming rate and more children now than ever are on psychotropic medications for mental illness.

We’ve touched every corner of our planet, traveled into space, seen far off galaxies and produced technological wonders beyond belief, perhaps it is now time to turn inward and focus more attention on the mysteries of the human organism and its relationship to everything else. Our planet is in peril by what we call the ‘normal’ way of thinking, huge populations of the world are starving to death while other populations are dying from eating too much, we’ve polluted the planet to the brink of irreversible damage, we’ve killed millions in the name of religion that’s main premise is peace and we’ve let profits dictate our moral compass and have knowingly done unforgivable acts to populations of the world without remorse. Perhaps the problem with mental illness is simply our perception of what we think is ‘normal’.

Finding the Cure for Genius
Link to News Article

I came across an online documentary (included below) produced by BBC called “Dangerous Knowledge” and I couldn’t help feeling a deep connection to the first person presented in the documentary - Georg Cantor. Interestingly enough, the documentary began with a quote from one of my favorite poems by William Blake - Auguries of Innocence, which set the stage for what was to come. I of course didn’t relate to Cantor by his mathematical genius, but rather the isolation that he felt by living outside the realm of “the taken for granted” world. In the documentary, Dr Louis Sass describes Cantor’s situation in these words, “I think if you are a person that takes that step (outside the realm of “the taken for granted”) in a way you are already doomed to living outside in some way… so it’s not as if it’s only the intellectual project itself that takes you out there, there’s something about you as a person that this unnaturalness comes so naturally.”

The unnaturalness that is described is something that I often feel and that I’ve talked about briefly in some of my previous entries. It’s a deep connection to something that appears to be foreign to the rest of the world and in which the inevitable isolation forms from the grips it has on your relationship to everything. This deep connection communicates something that makes everything in the “taken for granted” world feel so artificial, plastic, fake and undesirable. It creates a longing in the core of your heart that forces you constantly seek deeper understanding for your existence, as the everyday world drifts far away from you. It’s a personal communication between you and something greater than everything, that only you and this greater phenomenon can share. I guess some might call this communication ‘religious experience’.

Later in the documentary, it was concluded that Cantor suffered from manic depression based on his psychiatrists notes that described his shifting moods and mental states, and which also landed him in a mental institution on multiple occasions. Most of the world I’m sure would believe that what Cantor saw was a delusion and product of his mental illness and emotionally maybe this would be correct. The people of his day saw him this way and refused to acknowledge his work. It wasn’t until after his death that his work was properly accepted and understood as pure genius.

This raises a major question for me in regards to the spectrum of mental illness. The current reality of the human species is that we are social organisms that delight in our ability to relate to each other and share common experiences. We want life to be predictable, controlled and understood. This is what forms the social and cultural fabric of our societies and institutions. Then there are those of us who don’t fit so neatly into this desired reality and depending on how extreme our disconnection is, the majority decides what to do with us. They begin by calling us eccentric, crazy or weird and as our disconnection grows, they suggest that we seek medical advice and get put on medication to prevent our minds from continuing to move away from the ‘norm’. What really is the problem though? Is it mental illness or how society interprets and deals with what it calls mental illness? Perhaps in some cases mental illness is simply caused by a mind that has evolved past its current generation’s way of thinking and has to live in a world that opposes its understanding of reality and the opposition it faces everyday causes it to breakdown and become mentally ill. I don’t have answers or solutions for bridging the gap between the majority and the mentally ill, but I do acknowledge that I do share a need with the majority as a social organism and this need is to relate in some way to others. It is refreshing to find someone who I can truly relate to even though he may be considered ‘crazy’ or mentally ill. Perhaps this relationship that I feel with Cantor is simply a way for me to not feel completely alone in certain aspects of my life. It’s a way for me to validate certain experiences. Cantor came to describe the infinite as an abyss between what he had seen and what he knew must be there, but could never reach; I describe my relationship with the infinite as an abyss between what I have seen and what I know must be there, but that I cannot seem to share with anyone.

Dangerous Knowledge: Part 1

Dangerous Knowledge: Part 2

A couple of weeks a ago I received an email from a visitor that basically said that they would never say “I am bipolar” because they are more than just a label and their identity is not bipolar disorder. I’ve also read about this opinion in a couple of other places on the web including in “The Ten Greatest Lies about Bipolar Disorder” by David Oliver at bipolarcentral.com. Below is the excerpt from the #2 lie - You can’t control bipolar disorder.

“One of the ways you can control the disorder is to use the term “have bipolar disorder” instead of “am bipolar.” When you say, “I am bipolar,” you give power to the disorder since you identify yourself it. When you say, “I have bipolar disorder,” however, you simply acknowledge that you have a medical/psychiatric condition. You realize that the bipolar disorder is NOT your identity. “

After receiving this email and reading this opinion elsewhere on the web, I asked myself a few questions. When a person says “I am bipolar” are they really saying that their identity is bipolar? Is a person giving more control to bipolar disorder by saying “I am bipolar” instead of “I have bipolar”? Does a person really identify less with bipolar disorder by using the words “I have” instead of “I am”?

My conclusion was that it really doesn’t make a difference whether you say “I am” or “I have”, either way the symptoms are still experienced the same regardless of how we reference them linguistically. I came to this conclusion by swapping the word “bipolar” with “hungry”. Out of social linguistic norms we often say things that are not completely grammatically correct, but we know what people are saying when they bend the rules of language. For example, when I say “I am hungry” I do not mean that my identity is only “hunger”. I am simply saying that “I” or the sensation of my body is experiencing the sensation of hunger. Whether I say “I am hungry” or “I have symptoms of hunger” the fact remains the same - the biological experience of hunger is still present. Using the words “I am” is simply linguistic convenience and a way of communicating with reference to your self. This linguistic process has nothing to do with transferring personal identity, but rather a way of stating that your experience of self includes the biological symptoms brought on by bipolar disorder, which is factually correct. In fact, an argument could easily be made to say that “I have bipolar” is just as grammatically inaccurate because we don’t ever possess or hold ownership over bipolar disorder. From what science currently understands, it is programmed into our biology and our biology is who we are.

So, is there really a benefit to saying “I have” instead of “I am”? Well, the only thing that I can think of is the possible gratification that stems from believing that there is a difference. If a person is convinced and believes that there is a difference then in their minds they will experience that difference whether it is real or not, but if your are like myself and you don’t see a difference, then saying “I am bipolar” is simply another way of saying “I have bipolar disorder” or my biological organism experiences sensations brought on by a biological disorder that the scientific community calls bipolar disorder.

Stress is by far our worst enemy. The progressive cascading effect it has on mood and mental functioning is devastating - especially when living with bipolar disorder. It reminds me of that line by Yoda in Return of the Jedi where he says, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering…”, until eventually we are overcome by the darkside. Similarly, when a bipolar mind is overcome by stress, the downward spiral that ensues can also bring us to the darkside - the dark side of bipolar disorder.

It’s so scary to trace your mind backwards from a mental breakdown and to see how it so easily got the best of you. How your now-slumped-over, hopeless aching body and tear-filled eyes stemmed from a simple negative thought that got out of control. You’re left with a chicken and egg question about what came first, the thought or the feeling. How did I end up here? Why did I act that way? Why did I say those things? Why did I have those thoughts? Was that really me? You see how easy it is to lose yourself in a runaway mood. How easy it is for your mind to get stuck in an infinite loop of negativity, agitation, frustration, anger and hopelessness. A downward spiral into hell.

I don’t like what I become when stress overwhelms me.

I recently came across a two part video on YouTube called “Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment?” and I was very curious about what the video was all about. Currently and in the past, I have been borderline obsessed with content surrounding the topic of ‘enlightenment’ and I have read many books on eastern philosophy, consciousness, perception and religion so this topic was naturally of great interest to me. I could personally relate to a lot of what was being said. In fact, I believe my condition with bipolar disorder and the effects it had on my experience of my life has been the main driving force behind my obsession with understanding my existence through philosophy, psychology and religion. The pits of my depressions and the highs of my hypomanic mood have brought me to places where my brain has functioned very differently than what is apparently the norm. I’ve always felt different, thought different and behaved different than the people in my social surroundings. At times I’ve felt a deeper understanding and communication with the universe, where I’ve felt that I could perceive things as they truly are and see past the delusions brought on by the senses. I believed my extreme shifts in mood opened new windows into worlds that would normally be hidden to my mind.

I knew that there were definite similarities in the experience of mania and the description of the concept of enlightenment (in a general sense), but I never completely linked the two as being one and the same. Nor have I since watching the videos. However, I do think that author of the videos has highlighted some interesting aspects of some of the common experiences of bipolar disorder that may require further investigation - a sense of oneness with everything, a deeper understanding of life, indescribable sensory experience, extreme sensitivity, timelessness, tremendous love & appreciation for beauty, a release of repression (shame), sacredness, the feeling that the universe is testing you, confrontations with death, experiencing your origins, a change in values/behavior, and more concern for social issues.

I don’t fully agree with many of his conclusions, but I do acknowledge and commend his attempt to better understand his personal experiences of bipolar disorder by taking the time analyze and decipher what the disorder was allowing his mind to perceive and attempt to link it to a deeper understanding of himself within the universe. The main area that I disagree with in his conclusion of bipolar mania being enlightenment, is the sense of peace and control that is supposedly experienced during enlightenment. From my understanding, enlightenment, once achieved is not as reckless as a bipolar manic episode. There is a cessation of desires brought on by a deeper understanding of reality. You are calm and at peace in your mind and in the world. You become content by understanding your true identity and connection to the universe. Your thoughts are perceived correctly and lose the drastic influence they once had on your sense of identity and behavior. For me a manic episode, as interesting as it is from analytical perspective, is not enlightenment. There can definitely be deep insights derived from a manic episode, but the sense of control over one’s mind and behavior just isn’t there.

I don’t want to discredit anything that the author of the videos has suggested because I do think he has made some important observations about bipolar mania that require further investigation. I believe many of these experiences are quite valid and can be learned from if the time is taken to analyze their content. I’ve noticed through my own personal accounts that there is a terrible tendency to devalue the experiences brought on by bipolar disorder because they are labeled a product of mental illness. We are told that these experiences mean nothing and that we are not normal for having them. They don’t fit neatly into the social context of our societies and the majority of people fear the content they reveal to the people experiencing them. The world easily forgets all the great music, art, science and philosophy that people suffering from mental illness have brought to us throughout the ages. I believe all experience can tell us something important about ourselves and the world around us, regardless of the apparent or implied distortions. I remember one of my favorite history teachers in high school telling the class that ‘truth’ is simply what the majority agrees upon and perhaps this is holds more truth now than ever.

Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment? (1 of 2)

Is Bipolar Mania Spiritual Enlightenment? (2 of 2)

Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) was one of many artists of the past afflicted with a form of mental illness. Although his diagnosis is still debated today, many believe that he suffered from bipolar disorder. His hypothesized diagnosis is based on his history of suffering multiple distinct episodes of depression followed by periods of high energy and enthusiasm, psychotic breakdowns and delusional episodes. Although he did frequently drink to excess, smoked to excess, had a poor diet and also indulged in consuming Absinthe, the latter addictions could possibly have been a form of self medication that is commonly seen in people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and may not have been the cause of his mental illness like some have come to believe.

Regardless of what the actual diagnosis is, Vincent van Gogh has shared a world through his paintings that truly resonates with something deep in the mind. Perhaps this is the outcome of articulating mental illness into art and if so, maybe there is something to be learned from mental illness that can help us collectively expand our sometimes narrow points of view. I know for myself that there have been moments during depressed and hypomanic episodes where the world has communicated with me in a similar way that his paintings do. A communication filled with ambiance, atmosphere, mood and intense feeling.

Whether it’s following consistent sleeping patterns, following daily routines, exercising regularly or eating a well-balanced diet, never underestimate the effects that these simple and controllable aspects of your life can have on your mental health. I know for myself that up until about 4 months ago, I didn’t really care about or focus much attention to the effects that any of these aspects had on my life. Mental phenomenon always felt so detached and impenetrable from the physical conditions of my body. Regardless of what I ate or what happened to my body, my conscious awareness always felt relatively the same. The short term effects brought on by a bad diet, bad sleeping patterns, lack of routine and lack of exercise were so subtle that they went unnoticed. Eventually the effects brought on by these bad habits became part of just the way I felt and I didn’t see the connection between the way I felt and my lifestyle choices. This became especially evident once I started researching alternative treatments and management strategies for bipolar disorder and discovered that all of these aspects play an important role in managing bipolar disorder.

In September, I decided to quit the most obvious bad habits that were part of my life. This included smoking, drinking and very irregular sleeping patterns. The effects in these extreme cases were felt quickly and within a few weeks I noticed a difference in the way I felt physically. I could breathe easier and my body didn’t feel so drained, but mentally I was still all over the place. My depression that started in mid-August continued even though three bad habits were eliminated.

In one of the books that I was reading at the time on bipolar disorder, the author suggested that adding a routine to your daily life can be very helpful in achieving the feeling of accomplishment and control in your life, so I started thinking about what I could do to add a routine to my life. One major part was taken care of with my sleeping routine. I began forcing myself to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time, ensuring that I got at least 7 hours of sleep every night. My work schedule was already set and gave me routine from Monday to Friday, but I needed something that gave me the feeling of a more personal accomplishment. This is where I decided to build the “I Am Bipolar” website, forum and blog. It gave me something to routinely manage, research and write about. Creating the website really helped give me a sense of control over bipolar disorder and helped me to actively pursue feeling better, while potentially helping others feel better. Mentally I was still very depressed, but I felt like I was headed in the right direction. I wasn’t hopelessly depressed anymore, I was actively searching for hope.

Next thing on the list was nutrition and diet. I wasn’t eating very well and I was drinking about 6-8 coffees a day. I read many articles on an experimental treatment from Alberta called EMPower Plus, which was a high dosage multivitamin/amino acid formula for bipolar disorder, and I decided to pursue something similar. My mother knew a pharmacist/chemist at a local lab in my town who does blood/urine body chemistry testing and we made an appointment to get tested. It turned out that I was deficient in many areas, and the pharmacist/chemist ordered a custom multivitamin/amino acid formula along with ProEPA omega-3 supplements. I started taking these about 6 weeks ago alongside my prescribed medication, and I am beginning to feel significantly better. My mind feels much clearer and the symptoms of my depression are only slightly felt now.

My current outlook on things is opening up and I am starting to research the effects of my diet on my mood. I have cut back on my coffee intake to one coffee a day and bought a cookbook on healthy eating (lots of fresh fruits and vegetables). I’m also investigating a possible gluten intolerance that I may be suffering from and I am awaiting results from a test for this that I had done a few days ago. Depending on the results, I might be switching to a gluten-free diet. Anything that can help, I am willing to try.

I rented the BBC documentary “The Blue Planet” on the oceans of our planet and watched the first two DVDs, and I was truly amazed at how sensitive and vulnerable the ocean ecosystem really is and it really got me to thinking: if a change in one element of a substance that covers 98 percent of our planet can dramatically effect all species who rely on that substance as the foundation for their survival, then what can a change in a substance that feeds our brain bring about in our mental functioning? If evolution has designed our species as a microcosm of the larger macrocosm, then we are just as susceptible to subtle changes in diet, sleep, routine and exercise as the ocean is to the effects of the moon’s gravitational pull, global currents, sunlight and plant life. If I have learned one thing, it’s how complex and interconnected everything is. One element cannot be changed without affecting every other element, and when dealing with the central nervous system this becomes especially true.

One of the books that I asked for and received as a gift for Christmas is called “Too Good To Be True? Nutrients Quiet the Unquiet Brain” by David Moyer, LCSW, B.C.D. with an introduction by Robert Bransfield, M.D. I’m about halfway through the book and I can’t put it down.

In the first part of the book David Moyer, a mental health professional, tells the story of his father’s battle with bipolar disorder and the unfortunate outcomes/situations that people with the disorder, more often than not, end up in. He talks about his family’s struggles to help his father manage his illness, which usually ended up in a circular regressive pattern of repeating the same mistakes.

The first part of the story ranges from his father’s grandiose plans of his manic episodes to the legal/mental health system that failed in helping his father achieve stability. You can’t help but feel sorry for the injustices that his father faced while trying to survive in a world where mental illness is so misunderstood.

After David Moyer tried endlessly to help his father find stability, his young son Chris started showing symptoms of bipolar disorder as well. The story then continues with the intimate experiences of his son’s battle with mental illness and the struggles he went through while trying to live with bipolar disorder.

Once again, David Moyer faced a mental health system that didn’t help his son find the stability that he felt his son deserved and this led him to investigate alternative ways of treating his son’s debilitating illness, which then led him to a new understanding of how nutrients may affect and treat a number of biological brain disorders - nutrients that quiet the unquiet brain.

I’m now at the part of the book where he is presenting research studies that show how different vitamins/minerals/omega-3s have an effect on people with brain disorders like bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. The results are absolutely amazing and give a very strong argument for the role that nature’s building blocks play in the treatment of mental illness.

It’s funny how our current paradigm of thinking has us convinced that only pharmaceuticals can be the magical treatment for illnesses. Just take pills to deal with the end result and don’t worry about how we got there. This paradigm forgets and forces us to forget the role that preventative measures can play in the development, management and treatment of illnesses. I’m not suggesting that medication is not required, but rather that less medication may be required if more focus was placed on the full pyramid of treatment from the bottom up, rather than from the top down. I understand that in some cases immediate medication is required to deal with a crisis situation, but once that is dealt with, why not start treatment with the basic building blocks of our organism - our biology.

Everyone knows the terms “garbage in, garbage out” and “you are what you eat”, and maybe this is more true than we thought for people with genetic predispositions. Maybe people suffering from specific illnesses have a genetic predisposition that make them more vulnerable to the effects of nutrition. Maybe their genetic predispositions cause their bodies to require higher doses of specific vitamins, minerals and fats. Many studies are suggesting that this might be true, so maybe it’s time that we start investigating and asking more questions about the possible complementary treatments for our illnesses. Maybe we should start becoming more aware of what we put into our bodies and how this might affect the way we feel. The great divide between mental phenomenon and basic physical biology is shrinking. The two separate entities are beginning to look more like the two sides of the same coin.

My depression appears to have lifted and I’ve been feeling pretty stable for the past week or so. It has been great. I’m not sure if it’s just part of a cycle that I’m going through right now or whether a mild increase in my medication has helped bring about the change. It has also been the one month mark for an experimental custom multi-vitamin/amino acid/Pro EPA omega-3 treatment as well. Who knows, maybe it’s the combination of all three.

The timing has been perfect though because it has really allowed me to enjoy Christmas this year. I’ve felt so much more engaged in the conversations I had with family members and I’ve noticed that my feeling of connectedness to my environment has increased tremendously. That strange spacey empty feeling, that over the past few months had made me feel so detached from everything, has gone away. My sense of humor has returned and I truly feel my laughter and enjoyment when it occurs.

I don’t want to get too optimistic too early though, because I still don’t have very much ambition or motivation for socializing or going outside the house. I’ve been avoiding contact with friends during the holidays because I still dread the thought of being around social events outside of my immediate family.

I’m hoping this is the beginning of a change that brings about some sustained consistency in my mood and helps me return to a higher-functioning me. I’m going to continue paying close attention to my mood and hopefully this feeling will continue to grow, but hopefully not too much!