Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) was one of many artists of the past afflicted with a form of mental illness. Although his diagnosis is still debated today, many believe that he suffered from bipolar disorder. His hypothesized diagnosis is based on his history of suffering multiple distinct episodes of depression followed by periods of high energy and enthusiasm, psychotic breakdowns and delusional episodes. Although he did frequently drink to excess, smoked to excess, had a poor diet and also indulged in consuming Absinthe, the latter addictions could possibly have been a form of self medication that is commonly seen in people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and may not have been the cause of his mental illness like some have come to believe.

Regardless of what the actual diagnosis is, Vincent van Gogh has shared a world through his paintings that truly resonates with something deep in the mind. Perhaps this is the outcome of articulating mental illness into art and if so, maybe there is something to be learned from mental illness that can help us collectively expand our sometimes narrow points of view. I know for myself that there have been moments during depressed and hypomanic episodes where the world has communicated with me in a similar way that his paintings do. A communication filled with ambiance, atmosphere, mood and intense feeling.

Whether it’s following consistent sleeping patterns, following daily routines, exercising regularly or eating a well-balanced diet, never underestimate the effects that these simple and controllable aspects of your life can have on your mental health. I know for myself that up until about 4 months ago, I didn’t really care about or focus much attention to the effects that any of these aspects had on my life. Mental phenomenon always felt so detached and impenetrable from the physical conditions of my body. Regardless of what I ate or what happened to my body, my conscious awareness always felt relatively the same. The short term effects brought on by a bad diet, bad sleeping patterns, lack of routine and lack of exercise were so subtle that they went unnoticed. Eventually the effects brought on by these bad habits became part of just the way I felt and I didn’t see the connection between the way I felt and my lifestyle choices. This became especially evident once I started researching alternative treatments and management strategies for bipolar disorder and discovered that all of these aspects play an important role in managing bipolar disorder.

In September, I decided to quit the most obvious bad habits that were part of my life. This included smoking, drinking and very irregular sleeping patterns. The effects in these extreme cases were felt quickly and within a few weeks I noticed a difference in the way I felt physically. I could breathe easier and my body didn’t feel so drained, but mentally I was still all over the place. My depression that started in mid-August continued even though three bad habits were eliminated.

In one of the books that I was reading at the time on bipolar disorder, the author suggested that adding a routine to your daily life can be very helpful in achieving the feeling of accomplishment and control in your life, so I started thinking about what I could do to add a routine to my life. One major part was taken care of with my sleeping routine. I began forcing myself to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time, ensuring that I got at least 7 hours of sleep every night. My work schedule was already set and gave me routine from Monday to Friday, but I needed something that gave me the feeling of a more personal accomplishment. This is where I decided to build the “I Am Bipolar” website, forum and blog. It gave me something to routinely manage, research and write about. Creating the website really helped give me a sense of control over bipolar disorder and helped me to actively pursue feeling better, while potentially helping others feel better. Mentally I was still very depressed, but I felt like I was headed in the right direction. I wasn’t hopelessly depressed anymore, I was actively searching for hope.

Next thing on the list was nutrition and diet. I wasn’t eating very well and I was drinking about 6-8 coffees a day. I read many articles on an experimental treatment from Alberta called EMPower Plus, which was a high dosage multivitamin/amino acid formula for bipolar disorder, and I decided to pursue something similar. My mother knew a pharmacist/chemist at a local lab in my town who does blood/urine body chemistry testing and we made an appointment to get tested. It turned out that I was deficient in many areas, and the pharmacist/chemist ordered a custom multivitamin/amino acid formula along with ProEPA omega-3 supplements. I started taking these about 6 weeks ago alongside my prescribed medication, and I am beginning to feel significantly better. My mind feels much clearer and the symptoms of my depression are only slightly felt now.

My current outlook on things is opening up and I am starting to research the effects of my diet on my mood. I have cut back on my coffee intake to one coffee a day and bought a cookbook on healthy eating (lots of fresh fruits and vegetables). I’m also investigating a possible gluten intolerance that I may be suffering from and I am awaiting results from a test for this that I had done a few days ago. Depending on the results, I might be switching to a gluten-free diet. Anything that can help, I am willing to try.

I rented the BBC documentary “The Blue Planet” on the oceans of our planet and watched the first two DVDs, and I was truly amazed at how sensitive and vulnerable the ocean ecosystem really is and it really got me to thinking: if a change in one element of a substance that covers 98 percent of our planet can dramatically effect all species who rely on that substance as the foundation for their survival, then what can a change in a substance that feeds our brain bring about in our mental functioning? If evolution has designed our species as a microcosm of the larger macrocosm, then we are just as susceptible to subtle changes in diet, sleep, routine and exercise as the ocean is to the effects of the moon’s gravitational pull, global currents, sunlight and plant life. If I have learned one thing, it’s how complex and interconnected everything is. One element cannot be changed without affecting every other element, and when dealing with the central nervous system this becomes especially true.

One of the books that I asked for and received as a gift for Christmas is called “Too Good To Be True? Nutrients Quiet the Unquiet Brain” by David Moyer, LCSW, B.C.D. with an introduction by Robert Bransfield, M.D. I’m about halfway through the book and I can’t put it down.

In the first part of the book David Moyer, a mental health professional, tells the story of his father’s battle with bipolar disorder and the unfortunate outcomes/situations that people with the disorder, more often than not, end up in. He talks about his family’s struggles to help his father manage his illness, which usually ended up in a circular regressive pattern of repeating the same mistakes.

The first part of the story ranges from his father’s grandiose plans of his manic episodes to the legal/mental health system that failed in helping his father achieve stability. You can’t help but feel sorry for the injustices that his father faced while trying to survive in a world where mental illness is so misunderstood.

After David Moyer tried endlessly to help his father find stability, his young son Chris started showing symptoms of bipolar disorder as well. The story then continues with the intimate experiences of his son’s battle with mental illness and the struggles he went through while trying to live with bipolar disorder.

Once again, David Moyer faced a mental health system that didn’t help his son find the stability that he felt his son deserved and this led him to investigate alternative ways of treating his son’s debilitating illness, which then led him to a new understanding of how nutrients may affect and treat a number of biological brain disorders - nutrients that quiet the unquiet brain.

I’m now at the part of the book where he is presenting research studies that show how different vitamins/minerals/omega-3s have an effect on people with brain disorders like bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. The results are absolutely amazing and give a very strong argument for the role that nature’s building blocks play in the treatment of mental illness.

It’s funny how our current paradigm of thinking has us convinced that only pharmaceuticals can be the magical treatment for illnesses. Just take pills to deal with the end result and don’t worry about how we got there. This paradigm forgets and forces us to forget the role that preventative measures can play in the development, management and treatment of illnesses. I’m not suggesting that medication is not required, but rather that less medication may be required if more focus was placed on the full pyramid of treatment from the bottom up, rather than from the top down. I understand that in some cases immediate medication is required to deal with a crisis situation, but once that is dealt with, why not start treatment with the basic building blocks of our organism - our biology.

Everyone knows the terms “garbage in, garbage out” and “you are what you eat”, and maybe this is more true than we thought for people with genetic predispositions. Maybe people suffering from specific illnesses have a genetic predisposition that make them more vulnerable to the effects of nutrition. Maybe their genetic predispositions cause their bodies to require higher doses of specific vitamins, minerals and fats. Many studies are suggesting that this might be true, so maybe it’s time that we start investigating and asking more questions about the possible complementary treatments for our illnesses. Maybe we should start becoming more aware of what we put into our bodies and how this might affect the way we feel. The great divide between mental phenomenon and basic physical biology is shrinking. The two separate entities are beginning to look more like the two sides of the same coin.

My depression appears to have lifted and I’ve been feeling pretty stable for the past week or so. It has been great. I’m not sure if it’s just part of a cycle that I’m going through right now or whether a mild increase in my medication has helped bring about the change. It has also been the one month mark for an experimental custom multi-vitamin/amino acid/Pro EPA omega-3 treatment as well. Who knows, maybe it’s the combination of all three.

The timing has been perfect though because it has really allowed me to enjoy Christmas this year. I’ve felt so much more engaged in the conversations I had with family members and I’ve noticed that my feeling of connectedness to my environment has increased tremendously. That strange spacey empty feeling, that over the past few months had made me feel so detached from everything, has gone away. My sense of humor has returned and I truly feel my laughter and enjoyment when it occurs.

I don’t want to get too optimistic too early though, because I still don’t have very much ambition or motivation for socializing or going outside the house. I’ve been avoiding contact with friends during the holidays because I still dread the thought of being around social events outside of my immediate family.

I’m hoping this is the beginning of a change that brings about some sustained consistency in my mood and helps me return to a higher-functioning me. I’m going to continue paying close attention to my mood and hopefully this feeling will continue to grow, but hopefully not too much!

I was driving home late last night on the dark winter highway. The car’s headlights were cast out like fishing nets, capturing a large v-shaped portion of the road as it quickly passed under the front of the car. Random scattered thoughts sifting through my fatigued mind. Warm air trickling from the tilted vent on the left hand side of the steering wheel. Ice crystals forming in the bottom corner of the window where the condensation always forms. A heavy nostalgic feeling aching in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of time giving and pulling these moments away and emptying them of lasting substance. Everything feels so real and at the same time so unreal.

Over the past few months I’ve been looking up famous people touched with bipolar disorder and I’ve been amazed by the number of well known people that have been or who are afflicted by this disorder. Interestingly enough, it turns out that one of my favorite writers/poets/painters that I was deeply interested in while growing up and of course still am, is believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder. His name is William Blake.

From article by Peter J. Buckley, M.D
(The American Journal of Psychiatry)
“Alongside his ecstatic visions, Blake was prone to fits of severe depression. In 1800, he recounted a descent into “a Deep pit of Melancholy, Melancholy without any real reason for it.” These episodes were often followed by periods of “illumination” and intense creativity. This is highly suggestive of bipolar illness, albeit a mild form that did not disrupt his enormous creative achievement and may have been central to his transcendent artistic vision.”

I was amazed when I found his name on a list of famous people believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder. I never once thought about him in this way. However, it shines a whole new light on his works and the documented extraordinary experiences that ranged from angelic visions to his deep preoccupying insights that touched both extremes of human imagination. Perhaps there is even a subconscious hint of his bipolarity behind the title of his poem “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” or perhaps even within a few lines of his poem “Auguries of Innocence” below.

Small Excerpt from Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not thro’ the eye,
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

One thing is for certain, William Blake was definitely in touch with something quite profound and amazing. The capacity of his abstract mind was immense. Perhaps encountering great shifts within his own realm of experience gave him the ability to see a world unknown to us and also gave him a hard driven impulse to try to communicate this world through his writings, poetry and art. If in fact he did suffer from bipolar disorder, I think it defends the stance that perhaps there is something extremely important for us to learn from the realms of mind that the mentally ill appear to know so well. Who knows, maybe it would open us up to a whole new way of understanding ourselves and the worlds we privately share.

Small Excerpt from Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

I stood in the falling snow last night and felt the cold air press up against my face. I love nights like these where the world comes to a stop and a deep natural silence fills the dark backdrop of the sky. Shadows bending over snow banked hills, warm breath evaporating into icy air. The smell of wood burning in hot bricked fireplaces. The hypnotizing patterns of spinning snow particles giving an unusual depth to empty space. A sensation of knowing your atmosphere intimately.

The world can become so mysteriously quiet when the weather has its way. No cars, no people, no noise. All the dividing features of the landscape hidden under a single thick white blanket of snow. Harsh angular lines replaced by soft gradual curves. A virgin pasture born from the sky.

The weather and time of day, what powerful effect they have on perception. What marvels they bring to the senses.

My last post “Poisonous Mind” received a few comments about identifying with thoughts and the influence this identification can have on our perception of things, and meditation was suggested as an excellent practice for loosening the influence thoughts have on our perception of who we are and our emotional reaction to the contents of thoughts. Both of which should potentially benefit a person dealing with bipolar disorder. This topic is of great interest to me, not only from a psychological perspective related to bipolar disorder, but from a philosophical perspective as well so I’ve decided to write a little about it.

From my experience of bipolar disorder, I’ve come to realize that my mood usually changes before my thoughts do. Mood being a state of being that isn’t thought about, but rather experienced. It’s a sensation deep within. Bipolar disorder affects this deep rooted sensation by shifting the sensation from sustained lows to sustained highs, which in turn affect my thoughts and behaviors.

I consider my thoughts to be more of a reflection of my mood, rather than the source of my mood. If my mood is depressed my thoughts are going to be negative, angry and/or melancholic and if my mood is hypomanic my thoughts are going to be goal oriented, excited and/or full of energy. Thoughts and mood are very closely related, but are definitely different occurrences.

I know philosophically that my identity cannot be the content of my thoughts because I’m separate from them and I can see them mentally. If I were my thoughts, then I wouldn’t be able to be separate from them and look at them from the outside. However, when I’m actively living life this clear division becomes much blurrier and I do frequently become emotionally involved in the contents of my thoughts. Merging the sensation of self and the emotional reaction to thoughts together. My thoughts then go from being a reflection of my original mood state, to being emotionally connected to my mood state and helping to further influence my sense of being.

Now where I think meditation may come in helpful with bipolar disorder, is by using it as a relaxation technique to release any emotional association with thoughts by silencing the chattering of the mind and breaking any emotional identification that may occur with thought patterns. Meditation may not be able to remove the biological origin of the mood disorder and the experience of shifts in mood, but it may be an extremely helpful exercise in helping to lessen the effects of symptomatic emotionally fueled thought patterns that occur because of the shifts in mood and prevent them from adding to the intensity or growth of the mood shift. The outcome hopefully being a more relaxed and in control state of mind. Instead of letting your mind run with your thoughts, fueled by your mood, to become emotionally charged. You instead try to relax and focus your mind on something else like breathing or bodily motion and let the thoughts drift away. I guess the objective is to bring your attention away from the constant distraction of your emotionally charged thoughts and try to stabilize your attention by focusing on one thing.

Up until this point in my life I’ve read many books that touch on meditation, but I haven’t formally practiced meditation in a consistent manner. I have had my moments where I’ve sat silently and watched the contents on my mind while focusing on my breathing, but I’m definitely not an expert in the practice. I do however fully support the practice because from what I’ve read and understood, it psychologically and philosophically makes sense and so do many of the insights derived from lifetime practitioners, but ultimately my support stems from supporting a practice that promotes inner peace and deeper understanding of our experience of being, which ultimately will then become our thoughts and the world we live in.

My ability to engage in passive conversation has left me. I can’t trust my mind right now, it has become poison. There is no contentment behind my words. My eyes have become hypercritical and ultra particular. I must refrain from participating. I lose control too easily. It’s the momentum of thoughts and how they begin to snowball. I get carried away by the compulsion of my ideas. The confrontation pulsating through my body. One taste and I spiral into disregard for everything. Committed to a path that I will soon regret. Forever tainting my appearance to the world that knows so little about what is happening inside my head. I must stop. My future depends on it.

Is it that life truly is this empty, forcing us to build elaborate mental constructs of enjoyment to fulfill our innate hedonistic brains, or has depression distorted my ability to see things as they truly are?

Since September, my mood has dropped and with it my whole way of thinking and experiencing life. I fluctuate now between moderately depressed, mildly depressed and occasionally a baseline mood that is sprinkled here and there with mild elevation. For the most part though, I’m feeling low, withdrawn, empty and detached. I feel like I’m going through the movements of life, just for the sake of going through the movements. There is no real drive, ambition or great appreciation for anything. I do things because I feel a social/family pressure that pushes me to do things that way and not because I truly want to.

This really affects my perception of my life because the emotional cause for everything is missing. I perceive things in an existential form detached from the meaning and emotional context that created the situations. It’s not that I don’t want to experience the emotional cause for behaviors and actions, it’s that it seems impossible to do so. I always feel like I’m faking it.

Occasionally it feels like I’m the only person in the world who has awoken from the dream and realizes that everyone else is still dreaming. I can’t connect to them because I can’t see or feel what they see or feel. Everyone around me seems so emotionally involved with each other and the meaning/value of their relationships. There reactions and involvement appear to be so authentic and real. They seem directly connected and fulfilled by their common experiences, whereas I’m left feeling empty, detached and unfulfilled by the same experiences or maybe I’m just depressed and having trouble feeling life as it truly is.