Victoria Maxwell
Posted March 2009
Victoria Maxwell (Crazy for Life Co.TM) is one of North America's most sought-after educators and speakers on the ‘lived' experience of mental illness and recovery, reducing stigma, improving therapeutic alliance and adherence and addressing workplace mental illness.
Creative Director of Crazy for Life Co.TM and an award-winning actress and playwright with over 18 years experience, Victoria has worked alongside David Duchovny, John Travolta and Johnny Depp, among others.
After her diagnosis of bipolar disorder, anxiety & psychosis, she became extremely proactive in her recovery. She combines her theater background, personal experience of psychiatric illness & professional knowledge as a group facilitator & mental health worker, to give a unique & powerful ‘insider's' perspective on dealing with depression & other mental illnesses.
1) When did you first get diagnosed with bipolar disorder and were you ever misdiagnosed previously?
Victoria: In 1992, after a psychotic episode, I was diagnosed with brief reactive psychosis - which wasn't wrong, but just wasn't the whole picture.
After several more manias, depressions, a few more psychoses and three or four hospital stays, I was diagnosed with rapid cycling, mixed state bipolar disorder with mild temporal lobe epilepsy and generalized anxiety disorder.
2) How did you react to your initial diagnosis?
Victoria: I disagreed with the diagnoses for years. My first psychosis and my diagnosis happened immediately following an intense meditation retreat. I had some profound revelations during the first psychoses and other episodes. The insights were profound for me anyway. And I continued to have these important insights during many of the manias and depressions.
The difficulty lay in the fact that the doctors pathologized my personal experience entirely - calling all of it a mental illness. There wasn't any room for what I went through to be a mental illness and spiritual experience.
It wasn't until I found a psychiatrist that helped me see I could simultaneously have both a psychiatric disorder and spiritual experiences.
When he neither diminished nor excluded either one and that's when I began to accept the diagnosis.
3) Any advice for someone recently diagnosed?
Victoria: First make sure you feel comfortable with and trust the healthcare provider you are working with. Your recovery depends on a strong, honest relationship with him or her.
Then talk about any and all concerns you have about the diagnosis and all other issues surrounding your recovery. It is your right to be informed. Talking through things was extremely important to me; not just to gather information and facts but shed shame and fear.
So my suggestion is if your doctor or psychiatrist focuses on the pharmaceutical side of things (which most do), find a support group, or therapist to help discuss these things. When I had little money to spend on expensive counsellors, I went to community services and worked with therapists where I could pay on a sliding scale. For me, I had to and still to this day combine both medication and talking as way of healing and staying well.
Then I started talking. It was anything from why I didn't accept or believe I had the illness, to the worries I had about my chances of recovery.
I needed to be an informed participant of my treatment in order to reach my fullest recovery. I needed to know why I was prescribed medication when some others were not and how these meds I was to take worked.
I needed to go to counselling, go to support groups so I could grieve the many things I lost because of the actions I had taken when I was manic and depressed.
I had to be honest with myself, my psychiatrist, my doctor, my therapist about what I really was doing: was I really taking my medication, and taking it the way it was prescribed and if not, why?
I had to talk honestly about the internalized stigma I held about what I thought it meant to be ‘mentally ill'. My chances of recovery depended on it.
As I was able to be more and more truthful with myself and those I worked with, the easier it was to stay well.
Bottom line, I needed to move from fear to acceptance and trust so I would do the things that could help me stay well.
4) Did you think you suffered from a mental illness before you were diagnosed or was it a complete surprise?
Victoria: It was pretty well a complete surprise. I had been severely depressed for a couple years but didn't know that's what it was. I thought I was just a really pessimistic person and that that's the way I was. I had been depressed for so long that had become my point of reference. And when I experienced any ‘highs' or manias (which were few and far between), I wasn't about to question them as they were my only relief from the severe depressions.
It wasn't until I had the first psychotic break that I was given any inkling that I might have a mental illness.
In hindsight however, I see signs of anxiety and depression woven throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
5) Did the people close to you think something was wrong with you or did you hide your symptoms well?
Victoria: A bit of both - prior to going into a psychosis, I hid my depression quite well and my manias didn't catapult me into really destructive stratospheres. They were still disruptive, but not disabling.
But when I went into my first psychosis, I was with my parents and my dad took me to the hospital where I got the diagnosis. A diagnosis I completely disregarded.
My parents however saw the ensuing behaviour and knew exactly what was happening. My mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was about 8 years old - she never went into psychosis, but she did go through all the other classic symptoms. So they saw me mirror many of my mother's behaviours.
I think because of that my parents were more accepting, and incredibly loving, patient and resilient. And worried. It took years before I would accept their assistance. I owe my life to them.
6) What techniques do you use to help manage your bipolar disorder, if any (medication, diet, exercise, therapy, etc.)?
Victoria: Medication, running, a really consistent sleep schedule (8 - 9 hours on average), diet of lots of vegetable, lean meat and low sugar, mindfulness and counselling.
But I think the first hurdle I had to get over was my lack of self-acceptance and self-esteem. It's sounds really, and I mean really corny, but I had to learn to if not love myself, but like myself. Because if I didn't like myself, I certainly wasn't going to take care of myself. I had to rebuild my identity and confidence. I continue to do this on deeper and perhaps more refined ways.
7) How has bipolar disorder affected your professional life and relationships?
Victoria: It wiped out my career as an actor - as I got more and more unwell, my ability to do my job decreased until I wasn't able to work at all. And then when I was getting back on track - it wasn't just the illness that held me back. My confidence was at such a low point, that I was frightened to go back, not just to acting, but to any job. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle any type of work. So it took 3 or 4 years to begin working again - part-time in the beginning and more later on.
Relationship wise, I lost and alienated a number of close friends. It still hurts today, both because I lost relationships that were precious to me, and also because the people who I thought would stick by me, didn't. I think that's what feels like the greatest loss.
8) How has bipolar disorder affected your personal life and relationships?
Victoria: Being diagnosed with a mental illness really highlights who is accepting of me and who is not. I am much healthier now too, so the strain I put on friendships and family is much much less. So I think it's easier to manage my relationships more effectively.
9) Have you ever experienced negativity or stigma from people who have become aware of your condition?
Victoria: It wasn't so much the condition that people reacted negatively to, but my behaviour when I was extremely manic or severely depressed.
I acted recklessly, obnoxiously, very strangely, impulsively, very needy: you name it, because of the manias, depressions and psychoses.
And often when I tried to explain that I had behaved the way I did because of the disorders, some people just wouldn't listen. They weren't interested. I had hurt them or scared them and they just couldn't manage to give me another chance. To some extent, I understand. You can only push people so far, before they have to look after themselves.
Then I had other folks in my life who were there beside me the whole time - my mom and dad and two friends in particular.
10) Have you ever experienced more positive or accepting reactions from people who have become aware of your condition?
Victoria: With what I do as a speaker and educator about the ‘lived' experience of mental illness and recovery - it's not just part of the job description, but the entire job description to disclose about my illnesses.
So I think I am in a unique position. I'm supposed to self-identify and when I do, I overwhelmingly get very positive reactions. People are so relieved to know they aren't alone, to hear someone talking about what perhaps has been the elephant in their living room.
11) Do you think mental illness is generally looked upon differently now than it was 10 years ago? Better? Worse?
Victoria: Differently for different illnesses. Depression is talked about more, as is anxiety. Bipolar disorder is getting more coverage too. Schizophrenia and psychosis is still very misunderstood and maligned.
And whether talking about the illnesses translates into more acceptance and more empathy, I think the jury is still out on that. The tide is turning though about mental illness in general - there is change afoot definitely. Government both in the US and Canada are taking it from the back burner and putting more on the forefront.
So I do believe some positive changes have been made, but I think we have a long way to go before we can talk about mental illness like cancer or even AIDS.
12) What more do you think can be done to change the public's perception of mental illness?
Victoria: It's a tough question. Research shows that the most effective means of changing people's perceptions is by meeting individuals who have the illnesses (direct contact it's called).
But that puts people who have a psychiatric condition in a precarious position if they chose to disclose. There can be repercussions to self-identifying.
It's difficult to ensure we are protected and won't be discriminated against especially in the workplace because of our mental illness. So it becomes a bit of a catch-22 situation. If I am managing well with my psychiatric disorder, do I want to risk disclosing that I have one?
That being said, for people who are in a position to disclose about their illness, I say ‘YES! Tell your story.'
I would call it ‘strategic disclosure' - being wise about how, who, where, when and why you discuss it. But do talk about it if and when a safe or perhaps I should say safer opportunity arises.
13) Do you consider bipolar disorder part of who you are, part of what makes up your character, personality and experience of self?
Victoria: Yes - more or less. It makes up part of my history. Whether bipolar disorder is part of my personality or not, I don't know. The experiences I have had because of the illness, not just the symptoms certainly has contributed to the strengths I have now as a person.
I think all of us who live with a mental illness have incredible resilience and courage. It's not easy to live with an illness that is so maligned, misunderstood and stigmatized.
14) With bipolar disorder having a lot of negative traits attached to it, is there anything positive that you associate with your personal experience of your bipolar disorder?
Victoria: As I have gotten better at managing my illness, I can more productively harness the creative energy that I come somewhat from the illness. And now with better management skills, I don't burn bridges with that creative energy.
The work I produce is of better quality and the creative energy is more sustainable.
15) If the medical establishment could offer you a pill tomorrow that would cure bipolar disorder and remove all the associated symptoms (positive and negative) would you take it and why?
Victoria: Geesh - you ask good questions. I feel really fortunate because the side effects from the medication I take are minimal and the symptoms I have now are relatively minimal too. So with that in mind - I would say no I wouldn't want a magic pill to cure it.
But on the other hand - if I was still fighting the good fight every day, trying to keep the depressions at bay, still having psychotic episodes and massive manias; you bet I would want something that would ease all the pain.
16) Anything else that you would like to add?
Victoria: There is hope. Recovery isn't just possible. It's a reality: especially when we become responsible and participate in our health and well-being.
And please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying we are responsible for our illness. In no way I am saying that. We are NOT. But we can become responsible for participating in our recovery. And I think that can become key to regaining our health.
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